My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine,
good food...
She goes Tuesdays,I go Fridays.
শুক্রবার, ১২ নভেম্বর, ২০১০
Men Bashing
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because its never used.
Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man
then for a women?
Because when its time to go back to childhood,
he's already there.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see
a woman in a bikini.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three.One to hold the pan and two to show off
and shake the stove.
Only a man would buy a 500 dollar car and put a 4000 dollar stereo in it.
Because its never used.
Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man
then for a women?
Because when its time to go back to childhood,
he's already there.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see
a woman in a bikini.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three.One to hold the pan and two to show off
and shake the stove.
Only a man would buy a 500 dollar car and put a 4000 dollar stereo in it.
বুধবার, ১০ নভেম্বর, ২০১০
Ticket
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.
When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said,"I am sorry sir.You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.
When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said,"I am sorry sir.You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
মঙ্গলবার, ৯ নভেম্বর, ২০১০
Tragedy
President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related towards and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy."
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
On little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No,"says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand."If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not,"explains Mr. President.
"That's what we would call GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent.No other children volunteer.
President Clinton searches the room."Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally,way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand.In a quite voice he says,"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens,that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic,"exclaims Clinton,"that's right.And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well,"says the boy,"because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy."
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
On little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No,"says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand."If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not,"explains Mr. President.
"That's what we would call GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent.No other children volunteer.
President Clinton searches the room."Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally,way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand.In a quite voice he says,"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens,that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic,"exclaims Clinton,"that's right.And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well,"says the boy,"because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
Butler
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner.After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively.She then told him to come closer.Then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear.
"Take off my dress...".
"Now take off my bra."
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties".
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted
"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes,you're fired".
The couple went to a ball and dinner.After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively.She then told him to come closer.Then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear.
"Take off my dress...".
"Now take off my bra."
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties".
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted
"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes,you're fired".
সোমবার, ৮ নভেম্বর, ২০১০
Professional fighting
To physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle.One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.The attorney kicked off his shoes,wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physicians in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem,"said the attorney,"I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said,that look good,I think I'll have one too."
Again,the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it.The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?"he asked.
"This fighting between our profession?This hatred?This animosity?This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"
"No problem,"said the attorney,"I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said,that look good,I think I'll have one too."
Again,the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it.The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?"he asked.
"This fighting between our profession?This hatred?This animosity?This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"
Married person
A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today,he asked his son if he got a part.
The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part."I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son.Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part."I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son.Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
An Illinois man left the streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.His wife, on a business trip and was planning to meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail adress, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately,he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen-
Dearest Wife,Just got checked in.Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving husband.
P.S-Sure is hot down here.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail adress, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately,he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen-
Dearest Wife,Just got checked in.Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving husband.
P.S-Sure is hot down here.
Three medals
A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night.
The farmer answers the door and says"Sure,we can put you up."
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs.Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer,his wife,their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human.
Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck,as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer.
He asks"Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pigs neck?"
The farmer says "Sure,Its really an incredible story.Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown.This pig heard his cries for help,busted out of his pen,ran to the lake, and saved our son's life.So we gave him the medal."
The vagrant is amazed and says"Well, how about that silver medal?"
The farmer says" A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping.This pig saw the flames,busted out of his pen and ran into the house,waking us up in time.To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."
The homeless man says,"While I'm at it,I might as well ask you about the gold medal."
The farmer says" My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago.This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen and chased that man far away.To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal."
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork.He asks"What about the wooden leg?"
The farmer says,matter of factly,
"Well,you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"
The farmer answers the door and says"Sure,we can put you up."
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs.Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer,his wife,their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human.
Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck,as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer.
He asks"Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pigs neck?"
The farmer says "Sure,Its really an incredible story.Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown.This pig heard his cries for help,busted out of his pen,ran to the lake, and saved our son's life.So we gave him the medal."
The vagrant is amazed and says"Well, how about that silver medal?"
The farmer says" A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping.This pig saw the flames,busted out of his pen and ran into the house,waking us up in time.To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."
The homeless man says,"While I'm at it,I might as well ask you about the gold medal."
The farmer says" My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago.This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen and chased that man far away.To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal."
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork.He asks"What about the wooden leg?"
The farmer says,matter of factly,
"Well,you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"
Ghost
One night,Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked,
"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did",advised George.
The next night,the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
"Tom,what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,"advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe,what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"Clinton asked.
"Go to the theater."
"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did",advised George.
The next night,the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
"Tom,what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,"advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe,what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"Clinton asked.
"Go to the theater."
Wedding ceremony
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the colour of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,"her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So, why's the groom wearing black?"
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the colour of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,"her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So, why's the groom wearing black?"
An intelligent boy
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce,but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.The boy walked into the back room and said,"There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,so he added,
"and this gentleman wants to buy the other half ...
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said,
"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.You think on your feet and we like that around here.
"Where are you from son?"
The boy replied,"Canada,Sir."
"Oh really?Why did you leave Canada?"asked the manager.
The boy replied,"They're all just tramps and hockey players up there."
"Really,"replied the manager,"My wife is from Canada!!"
The boy replied,"No kidding!What team did she play for?"
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.The boy walked into the back room and said,"There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,so he added,
"and this gentleman wants to buy the other half ...
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said,
"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.You think on your feet and we like that around here.
"Where are you from son?"
The boy replied,"Canada,Sir."
"Oh really?Why did you leave Canada?"asked the manager.
The boy replied,"They're all just tramps and hockey players up there."
"Really,"replied the manager,"My wife is from Canada!!"
The boy replied,"No kidding!What team did she play for?"
A drunk guy
At 3am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon", answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from they same guy,sounding even drunker."What time does the bar open?"he asks.
"Same time as before...Noon."replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again,plastered.
"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers,"It opens at noon but if you can't wait,I can have room service send something up to you."
"No...I don't wanna git in...Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
"It opens at noon", answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from they same guy,sounding even drunker."What time does the bar open?"he asks.
"Same time as before...Noon."replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again,plastered.
"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers,"It opens at noon but if you can't wait,I can have room service send something up to you."
"No...I don't wanna git in...Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
A couple
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake.While waiting,they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.St.Peter finally showed up and they asked him.St.Peter said,"I don't know,this is the first time anyone has asked.Let me go find out."and he left.The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven,what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?"they wondered."Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month,looking somewhat bedraggled."Yes,"he informed the couple,"you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple,"but what if things don't work out?Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St.Peter,red faced,slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?,asked the frightened couple.
"Come on!"St.Peter shouted,
"It took me three months to find a priest up here!Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
"What if it doesn't work?"they wondered."Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month,looking somewhat bedraggled."Yes,"he informed the couple,"you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple,"but what if things don't work out?Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St.Peter,red faced,slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?,asked the frightened couple.
"Come on!"St.Peter shouted,
"It took me three months to find a priest up here!Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
In Africa
Young son-"Is it true,Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad-"That happens in most countries,son."
Dad-"That happens in most countries,son."
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